on what coast do ghosts go to be alone

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Northfield, yes. The town that is mythic for me is now finally going to be a reality. My hope is that it will allow me some time around groups of people  and to be with friends I care about so much. I’ve been depressed and anxious. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have these fears that situations and very good things in my life are going to fall through, for the simple matter that a lot of family issues keep popping up. I want the people surrounding me to do well because I feel guilty for leaving when they are most in need. It’s this kind of loyalty on an almost stubborn level. I am most worried about my mom at the moment. My grandma fell yesterday and was on the floor for eight to ten hours. The bigger issue is that she didn’t remember how she fell.

My mom suspects that she had a stroke. I’m accepting of the fact that these are the last years of my grandma’s life, especially after the death of my grandpa. I think it’s going to be difficult for my mom because she’s likely going to be living with her. It creates this weird relationship that I am not sure my mom is going to have an easy time to manage.

I think the narrative of my sketchbook is going to revolve around the song “loveland” because it’s one of my favorite songs as well as the fact that it is a song that my dad, sister, and I often like to sing when we’re together. I never thought I would say this, mostly because I thought I hated sleeping with another person at night, but I really do miss the act of spooning or being spooned by another person at night. It’s foreign not to have another body there. Love does equal sleeplessness, both the bittersweet and the just plain sweet kind. God. I also think of the 24 hour bikeride. That’s how much I love Minneapolis. I was fucking crazy enough to bike around Minneapolis for 24 hours. I can’t believe that occurred almost 7 years ago. Perhaps again, soon?

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