We Know Everything [We Know, We Know]

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Stresses of family life. Queer Theory. Festivals. Missing boyfriends. Awkward Okcupid conversations. I-tunes, lots and lots of I-tunes.

Those are the things defining my life at the moment. My grandma is losing it and I think more than anything I’m worried about my mom. I’ve accepted the fact that my grandma is likely not going to live for another year, but considering that my mom and sister will actually be living with her, I am a little more hopeful about that situation. More than anything, I am worried about my mom because she’s stressed and she’s in the mode where she doesn’t think about her needs when it’s perfectly acceptable and somewhat necessary to do so (I do this a lot too). I really hope that she’s doing well. I worry about my mom a lot partially because she does a lot as well as the fact that we’re similar people. We give up a lot for the people we care about and often never ask for anything in return. I’ve begun to realize myself that this is a difficult life to live.

Um. Queer theory is immensely interesting. More than anything, I think sociological analyses of queer culture is interesting. If I change my focus from Hebrew Bible to Sociology of religion, I think this is something I want to bank on more. I think I am really interested in the application of post-structuralist theories about dichotomous logic (it’s criticism of applying dichotomous logic to culture). The book I’m reading introducing Queer Theory really does provide an adequate appraisal and criticism of queer theory. It appears that the book defends aspects of both reformist (or assimilationist, depending on your take) and liberationist aspects of our culture, while also being critical of both. Mainly, the book also criticizes these two camps because it is dichotomous logic to assume that there are only two camps. Although I lean towards a liberationist view of things, I also respect, admire, and often agree with some reformist tendencies. I also find the fact that there are not just theoretical criticisms of the liberationist camp but actual criticisms about the fact that the liberationist camp often suffers from the same problems that it criticizes in reformist camps (i.e. that is dominated by white, middle-class males or that it is often two colorblind/homogenizing). I’ve got a lot more to read but so far, I am thinking a lot about my own culture and my own “identity,” its fluidity, and such.

yesterday, I spent a lot of time with Robyn and her friends. It was a pretty awesome experience. I’ve been needing to get out more often. I feel like for the most part, I am stuck at home. I am trying not to do this over break, even though I am attempting to work 40 hour work weeks, packing, moving, getting logistical shit accomplished. We went to the Stone Arch Festival, drank booze, watched bands, ate deliciously phallic objects. Then we went back to Robyn’s house, drank lots of booze, watched “The King of Kong,” which is an extremely nerdy movie. It’s a documentary that revolves around two men, Billy and Steve. Billy held the record for the top score in Donkey Kong and so Steve and Billy compete to have the top score. Billy is just this really douchy man. Steve gains the top score in a live game but Billy has the overall top score (taped, rather than live). Eventually, Steve wins both titles. It was unexpectedly good. Then we watched “Priceless” where we just talked about how we wanted to have sex with Audrey Tautou the entire time (not to mention Gad Elmaleh, as well). Good times. Then after Cody and Madelyn left, we talked about relationships and that was kind of rough on my part because I think I talked a lot more about things that I’ve been thinking about for a long time.

We all got talking about our relationship issues. I am not sure if I really want to spell out really anything I said just because I felt vulnerable doing so and I think retrospectively, I’ve really got it good and I think I take Sean for granted quite a bit. He’s really amazing, caring and probably one of the most genuine people I’ve met. In short, while I do have certain feelings about the long-distance thing, that Isn’t even really related to him, I think he’s worth it. He’s not a douche. He’s incredibly smart, down-to-earth, and attractive. I care about him, a lot. I’m really glad that he’s in a good place right now.

Another frustrating thing is that I’ve been attempting to utilize okcupid for networking and attempting to meet Queer friends in Boston and it just turns into a giant, “I want to have sex with you Chance” or, “let’s go out on a date.” It’s immensely flattering but it really just reveals that the people who have been attempting to contact me don’t read my profile because a) it says I’m seeing someone and b) it says I am only interested in platonic activities. It makes me wonder if I have to put up proof that I am dating someone else. It’s really frustrating, actually.

Alright. Out. Fleet Foxes and Broken Bells, you make good cleaning music.

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