He’s Venus as a Boy

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Now that I am finished volunteering at Opequon Quaker Camp, I have quite a bit of processing to do. I have several journal entries on paper in a notebook buried in one of my various bags and wondering if I post various snippets of those or I just do an overall observation of what I am feeling post-camp. At this point, I am feeling the overall observation rather than the individual days.

I participated in checking out with the group and made the observation that Camp was likely to be in ways that are still mysterious, one of the most formative experiences of my life. I don’t think I realized this would be the case going in and I felt called to stay for the last leg of the camp’s program. I am still not entirely sure why I felt called to do that but I recognize that there is something deep, profound, and authentic in that calling. I also feel like there is something inherent in that calling that transcends the reasons why I joined that community. In other words, there was something genuine in all of the people there and the feeling that all were there for some ultimate concern that transcends the here and now.  I feel that I still have a lot of processing to do as to why the event was so formative for me.

I recognize that it was formative in my relationship with Sean. Something changed between the beginning and end of camp that was really profound. Both of us termed it in a way that made it feeling that our relationship became a partnership after camp, that it was the definitive moment where we knew (in a very profound epistemological way) that we both love each other. It’s in that moment that while we both thought we loved each other before camp, that love manifested itself in a very transformative way during my stay at Openquon.

Tomorrow I go to Boston. I am nervous about it but I feel ready to be there. I have decided that I want to change my focus in graduate school from the Hebrew Bible to Sociology of Religion, with an emphasis on Queer perspectives on religion. I think changing my focus will help me make it through graduate school and I think that especially being at a camp where Queerness and religion existed side by side, I am interested into delving more deeply into the crossing between the two. Sean and I briefly talked about the possibility of him moving to Boston with me. The plan is tentative and seems to be quite last minute. I am not sure how I feel about it. My obvious feelings are that I would love for him to be with me out there. But I am also concerned that those desires could be merely selfish ones. I don’t want us to be each other’s support systems and I think that since we’re both very cognizant of that fact as well as power dynamics in any situation, that if he were to stay, we could easily navigate it. Either way, I am accepting of both choices, despite my preference for one of them.  I also recognize that it’s not my choice to make.

Time to actually sleep for the trip tomorrow.

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