In light of Rosh HaShannah on Thursday evening, I have a lot of reflecting to do about the past year of my life. A lot has happened. It’s a transitional year. I am going from undergraduate to graduate student. I am moving from a place so familiar and comfortable to me, to a place that is almost completely unknown. I know that there are so many people that I’ve made proud but there are likely a few people I’ve failed, I can name one.
It feels weird to have an issue with my lover, or for him to have issues with me. We communicated on so many levels but we lack verbal communication. It’s kind of a sin that I’ve made quite a few assumptions about him and because of that, we probably don’t communicate as fully as we could. I feel like there’s still a lot of surface level conversations and I know that I am partly to blame for that. It’s especially embarrassing to think about it when I consider this man to be integral to my life. We don’t know enough about each other and I guess I feel ashamed about that. What makes it all the more embarrassing was the letter I wrote to my future self at my graduate orientation, where I hoped not to take Sean for granted and to always love, and care for him because he’s special and deserves it. However, I am not to the point where I feel a crippling sense of guilt. We all make mistakes and luckily, mistakes never make it to the point where they cannot be worked out and forgiven.
In the context of Rosh HaShannah, we’re asked to think about our theological and moral failings as well as our successes. But I think failings are more apt for the holiday because Rosh HaShannah is meant to remind us that while we cannot change the past, we can make the future better through our reflection of the past. That’s what Tashlich is all about. We have to pick apart the bread that is ourselves in order to cast our sins into the water to let them go. We shouldn’t be anxious about them because they’ve already happened. What’s past is past and we have a chance to keep it as the past. The book opens on Rosh HaShannah and closes on Yom Kippur. The first step is to tell Sean all of this and the second step is to be more involved in his interests and his life because I am interested in those things too, albeit somewhat ignorant about them. He’s important, he’s special. He is undoubtably the most important relationship that I’ve had so far. It’s time to show him that through actions. If I begin to be good to him before the book of life closes on Yom Kippur, then I know it we’ll be good in the coming year.
Now the real question is, where is Carrington?