running away from the mountaintop

There is no doubt that I feel the call to be in Boston. There are these zen moments I have. Or these moments, where I feel the presence of some sort of sacred in my life. There is a creative power that is the ground and essence of all reality at work in my life and I can feel it. There is something greater than myself that transcends the here and now. That being said, I feel I am being called to move back to Minneapolis and take a leave of absence at Boston University.

There’s a lot at stake. I feel more called to do the latter. At the same time, there are people in our program working 40 hours a week. There are people dealing with issues of poverty. There are people who just feel generally unsure about being at the School of Theology. This makes me question this decision more than whether I can get the loan funding I need, or the research assistant position that I desire (in the spring). If my feelings are a normative expression, then should my feelings be taken less into consideration?  But then this too is an inappropriate response.

I don’t want to generalize my feelings. It’s true that everyone feels the same way that I do. Nevertheless, by saying that “everything is fine because everyone feels this way” I am ignoring the context from which I arise. Furthermore, I think it goes back to this desire of mine to look like the perfect person. I need to not appear weak, or frustrated, or angry, or tired. I need to appear prim, proper, perfect, studious, excited. But I am not any of those things and I need to be honest about that fact. As much as we all want to be Moses who sees God face-to-face, and suffers willingly to lead his people to freedom, we have our own needs. Furthermore, Moses was 80 when he started. He had a full life. We’re not so lucky.

So, I think I am back to where I was beforehand: I want to spend the next semester at home, living life, not worrying about the next thing that happens.


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