Bad dreams, fuck. Dreams can put me into this weird state of mind. I took a long fall walk this morning. It’s weird to think about the root of my fears. I don’t fear death, something that most people do. I fear the loss of love and everything that’s associated with it. Love outlasts death. But what happens when love disappears? I am afraid of disappointing my friends and family. I am afraid of loosing the boy that I love. It’s strange. and I hate when dreams provoke my fears. They can bring me to this state of anxiety and almost on the verge of paranoia.
I know why they happen, or why they happened last night. I am worried about moving back to Minneapolis in winter. I am scared that it’s not going to be as utopian as I hope. I am worried that Sean will leave. I think this is becoming more of a fear. It has nothing to do with us, but just the fears and disappointments I’ve faced in the past make those fears very real. It’s difficult precisely because you know rationally and deep down nothing is going to happen because I have something real with this man, but it’s still scary. I am worried that I am going to upset my parents by taking a leave of absence. I love them a lot and I believe in honoring them a lot. I don’t have a cultural memory, like many people do. So, I cling onto my parents because they’re my culture. Their values, their working class mentality and values. Disappointment is scary. All of my dreams last night are located around these fears. I am hoping that I can move past that fear because the more you fear it, it increases the possibility of creating it. Estrangement is one of those things that can occur by simply fearing that it will happen. I hope that I don’t become too anxious.
Now, it is time for me to write more of my paper. I have one week of madness related to midterms. I can get through this and my fears.