I have been in a perpetual fog for the past couple of days. I’ve been tired, weak, and particularly shaky. I am still shaken about the events of the last week. I am not sure if I had a seizure, or rather seizures. Nevertheless, the events stress me. The experience has helped me recognize a problem I will face if I ever decide to become a leader of any sort, which is stress management and learning to say no. It has made me realize just how maternal I am.
I don’t want to leave people behind, nor do I want to let them down. It’s a fact of life that we will leave people behind. The thought is an unsettling one. We have to make those choices, however. Moreover, we need personal lives. We need time to rejuvenate. I am not quite sure how King did it, leaving Coretta and his children behind. In my mind, that’s an impossible task and perhaps my justice work will never take me that far. Especially at this time, I cannot imagine justice work without having a life with Sean. It’s hard to be a part from him a month at a time. If I were to ever be a leader or a model of any sort, I think I would need him in my life as comfort. I also need him in my life because even when I’ve been out here, I have taken his loving presence for granted. I know two things, if I ever want to lead, I will need to learn how to say “no” and be realistic about my expectations. Moreover, I think we need to emphasize the sabbath in our own lives. The personal life, or the private life is not severed from living a life of justice, especially when we’re advocates for a queer life and queerer culture.
We become queer through our acts of intimacy. We engage in intimate relations that the society at large finds unnatural. Moreover, these intimate relations breakdown social norms and offer a means of transformation both in our personal lives and a community that embodies our culture. Our identity evolves, developing in and through the intimate relations we experience. These experiences are the transformative because not only do they allow us sexual charged experiences, new ways of discovering ourselves. Moreover queer experiences offer new modes of kinship, with import to the wider society. Our acts create richer forms of social life, a richer culture. In the end, the way I fuck my boyfriend translates to the way I encounter culture and form relationships with other human beings.
Ultimately, these are just a few notes that I will likely merge into my Leadership portfolio. In the next couple of days I would like to do a few things in my blog. First, I want to write the first part of my Leadership portfolio. I am sure I will articulate more than a few thoughts. Since the first section, especially, deals with our background and what shapes us, a blog is right for that. Second, I would like to start the writings of an artist statement. My own work is a discipline of constantly discovering who I am as a person but this is basic, I think, to any works we create. They’re ultimately about us, or at the very least, ideas we wish to articulate, if not for an audience, then for our selves and the artists with which we collaborate. Right now, I am interested in the apocalyptic, specifically blaspheming in relation to the apocalyptic. I am interested in blasphemy and how it is essential to creating more vibrant forms of religious life. Specifically, I like using art to discuss religious culture, ideologies, values, texts in order to broaden the scope of what the mean. In some ways, my work attempts to become an apocalyptic, using past concepts but breaking them and arguing for richer, more vibrant, and more inclusive categories. I believe in the process of radical democracy. Deal with it.